Test Car Drivers You DON'T Want To Run Into

Today I'd like to profile different kinds of prospective test car drivers. Everyone has to deal with moronic drivers; even moronic drivers have to deal with other moronic drivers! I'm going to attempt to categorize them all here. Well, let's just get into it shall we?!

1) The "I'm Going To Tailgate The Hell Out of You and Then Go Slow Once I Pass" Driver

Ah, one of my favorite kinds of drivers. You'll be driving along in the fast lane on the highway, probably passing a slow truck or old person, when you get that predictable tailgater right on your ass. WOW, they must be in a hurry! So you do what any decent citizen does and slam on your brakes pull over to the right after passing the slow vehicle.

Suddenly, the person tailgating you doesn't know WHAT to do! I mean they were perfectly comfortable while attached to your bumper, but now they are SCARED. So up comes the next slow vehicle in the right lane, and now you are forced to get behind the idiot in the left lane, who is now going just fast enough to pass the slow vehicle sometime during the next millennium.

2) The Proud Mint-Condition Truck Owner

The Proud Mint-Condition Truck Owner always drives around a.. well mint-condition giant-ass truck of course. I'm not sure what this is all about, but they have probably gone through some sort of child abuse in their past and now maintaining a perfectly shined truck is their focus in life. You can always spot these drivers because their vehicle looks as if it was serviced by Mr. Clean himself. They also tend to drive extremely slow and carefully, and often have 20-50 cars following them on a one-lane road. However the BIGGEST sign to look for is that they park their vehicle backwards NO MATTER WHAT.

I personally think that the Proud Mint-Condition Truck Owner has some kind of mental condition that causes them to always want to park backwards in spaces. It's not just so they have better visibility, trust me. I can see the gleam in their eyes as they do it.

3) The "Apocalypse Is Coming And I'm Getting To Hell Before You Do" Driver

These drivers don't care about rules, don't care about safety, and especially don't care about you. They don't use their turn-signals, don't follow speed limits, don't stay inside their lanes, and will even use the shoulder to pass. They have one mission in life and that's getting somewhere important and FAST. Perhaps they ran out of Captain Crunch or left a briefcase full of cash in a public location. I experienced a lot of these drivers in Kuwait when I worked there once.

4) The "Old Person With Nowhere To Go" Driver

EVERYONE knows this driver all too well. The typical bent-over old lady or man who drives 15-20mph below the speed limit, and is completely oblivious to the world around them. They could care less that you're 20 minute late for work, because they haven't worked in 20 years! The only thing they have to look forward to is the next Bingo game or History Channel Special.

5) The "Boycott Turn-Signals" Driver

This is a very peculiar driver. Perhaps I'm just going insane, but I swear when they switch lanes, they do it in this extremely arrogant fashion and NEVER use their turn-signal. I think that in reality they are doing this on purpose! They want to make a statement that they aren't going to use their turn-signal and want you to know it! This driver doesn't necessarily go very fast, they just make often lane changes to seemingly showoff their lack of turn-signal usage.

6) The Angry Minivan Driver

Another fascinating creature. The Angry Minivan Driver seems to be keenly aware that they are in fact driving a minivan, and not an SUV or other expensive vehicle. Therefore, they want everyone on the road to know that they are pissed off about this and are going to drive recklessly.

Their minivan is typically at least 5-10 years old and they don't have any regard for it whatsoever. This driver isn't as evil as the apocalyptic person above, but they are nearly as reckless. I call this mysterious illness "Angry Minivan Syndrome". If you think you might have this disease, I would recommend you visit your auto mechanic for a smack-down immediately.

7) The "Young, Poor Female With a Junker" Driver

I see so many of these young female drivers, all with cars from the early 90's. There's not much to say about them, except they usually appear to be in some kind of trance while driving, and never move their eyes from being fixed and straight ahead. I'm not sure if they are in college, or working, or what, but the road is littered with them.

8) The Left Lane Loiterer

Oh yeah I'm sure a lot of people were wondering if I would ever get to this one. I'm not sure about where you live, but in good old Pennsylvania we have a law that you should "pass in the left lane", and "cruise in the right". Of course this kind of driver completely ignores that rule, and just cruises in the left lane. They are completely oblivious like the old driver, except they also block traffic.

There is no solution to the Left Lane Loiterer, because they are blocking your path! They like to sit in the left lane, next to a slow-moving vehicle, and go at exactly the same speed. The person in the right lane usually also acts oblivious and doesn't do anything to resolve the problem. Therefore it's a deadlock with dozens of cars piling up behind the left lane driver. Fun!

9) The Big Rig War-Fiends

This is a group of Big Rig drivers who seem to enjoy passing each other at EXTREMELY low speeds. Typically they like to do this going up a hill, so that adequate speed cannot be produced. These drivers take turns passing each other and block all lanes the entire time. Usually the passer eventually "gives up" trying to pass the other truck, and gets back in the right lane. However, this takes about 10 minutes to happen. In the meantime, enjoy yourself!

10) The Abusive Police Cruiser

It's always nice to get pulled over for going 15 over the speed limit, then seeing the officer pull out afterwards and go 90 because he can get away with it. I even got pulled over once for having tint on my windows! The officer said he was worried that I may have been in a "hostage situation" and he couldn't see through the window. Yes, because I'm sure police could identify a hostage situation through a car window. Would that help? If somebody has a hostage it's to ensure the police can't do anything stupid! Argggh!