Poor service from restaurant servers isn't exactly a new theme in life. However, by looking at each server's personality characteristics, patterns start to emerge. Let's take a look!
The Phony Personality Server
You can always spot these servers from a mile away, thanks to their phony smiles and contradicting actions. These servers are typically women, and their service is usually second-rate. They put out minimal effort to appear "caring", but in reality are probably thinking about the next outlaw biker they are going to take home after work.
Even if the phony smile doesn't give these servers away, their crappy service will. They are likely to completely forget about refilling your drink, but then put on a big apology act when you remind them 20 minutes later. My favorite part is when they bring the check. You can practically see the dollar signs in their eyes, and they get even more phony; but only for about 5 seconds before running off to chat with their buddies in the kitchen. The Phony Personality Server somehow assumes the rest of us can't see through their pathetic act.
The Forgetfully Awkward Server
This server is always forgetting things, and is typically male (probably new as well). You purposely went into the restaurant during the slowest part of the day for better service, but the Forgetfully Awkward Server still act as if it's Saturday night on Valentines Day. There's nothing this server won't forget, from the right drinks, to straws, to ketchup, to your check. They're constantly running back and forth to the kitchen to get one little forgotten thing. Forgetfully Awkward Servers are also notoriously unorganized and awkward, knocking things over and falling down. They surely won't last long at the restaurant, but unfortunately there always seems to be another one eager to take their place.
The Bitter Career Waitress
This woman will give you decent service, but doesn't bother with the phony personality or feigned happiness. The Bitter Career Waitress makes it clear that she isn't going anywhere in life. She has already been through at least 3-5 rough divorces, and she wants to make damn sure you know all about them. She may refill your coffee consistently, but will simultaneously sap the energy out of you with stories about all her exes, and how they are stalking her from the gas station parking lot next door. Be careful of this one!
The "I'm New and Happy But Will Soon be Miserable!" Server
You will probably get the best service imaginable from this server, who's typically a young woman. They have just started the job and are delighted to help you get everything you need. You might even think they have a good personality! Enjoy it while it lasts, because next week they will be more miserable than the infamous Bitter Career Waitress.
The Efficiency Whore
This server doesn't give a damn about how long it takes to refill your drink, as long as she does 10 other things along the way! They are all about efficiency, but don't care about time. The Efficiency Whore probably won't refill your drink unless you ask, but will take at least ten minutes to do it. They will stop at other tables, taking orders and dropping off checks along the way. This server wants to expel the least amount of energy while appearing to be busy. In reality they are just lazy.
The First Born Server
The First Born Server is completely logical. Whether male or female, everything is a calculation. If they refill your drink, it's because their calculations show their tip will go up 1.5% and they will get 3% less complaints. The First Born Server has a plan, and you're simply a means to get there. They usually provide good service, without the "smile" part. First Born's don't believe in smiles; only results. These servers don't get along well with Bitter Career Waitresses and Efficient Whores in particular, and will walk all over anyone getting in the way of their big plan for success.
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