As a Blogger, you're always looking for more subjects to write about. Therefore I enlisted the help of my good friend "The Wench", who provided me with some outstanding writing topics. Instead of actually making a post about these subjects, I would like to talk about why I WON'T be writing about them.
1) Hoarders
OK I don't care about the stupid show and I have absolutely no fascination with people who are "afraid to throw something away". I don't know what the big deal is. I see this nonsense on Facebook and Myspace advertised on the home page like it's the "BIGGEST THING EVER!" Is this what the world is reduced to nowadays? We've solved all other problems, so let's have a popular show about people who store junk.
2) Tasty Recipes
The Wench gave me this topic, but what she doesn't realize is that I'm about as good of a cook as I am a singer. Yes I made a pot-pie and yes I even managed to make chili. Oh wait, that's the easiest thing on the planet to make and I used a MICROWAVE COVER to drain the ground beef. Brilliant!
I think it's safe to say I won't have my own cooking show anytime soon. Besides I can't stand those cooking shows. They always have some pompous dude yelling out catchphrases while he's throwing more spices in the food. Plus the ingredients are all neatly prepared hours before the show starts, making the whole cooking process look so easy. Then you get home and chopping up an onion takes longer than the length of the entire show!
3) People Addicted to Facebook Apps
Since I already wrote a few articles slamming Facebook for being worthless, I don't think this is necessary. Honestly I just don't care about people who play Gang Wars and Farm Universe or whatever it's called. Yes I don't care about the people themselves, who are "too good" to reply to an actual message from another human being. If you're going to play a game, at least play a good one! This one is even better! OK in all honestly I never played any of those Facebook games but I'm too angry to care.
4) Shaky Leg Syndrome
OH that's real funny Wench! She thinks that because I have "shaky leg syndrome" I should talk about it. Well first of all I have no such thing! Just because the table is rocking back and forth like a pirate ship doesn't mean I have something wrong with my leg! People don't even believe depression or ADHD exists, so how are you going to convince them that that "shaky leg syndrome" exists?? Even if I do have "shaky leg syndrome", why should I admit it when I can blame the table shaking on somebody else, like my friend's wife? It's so much more entertaining.
5) Addicted to Lost
We're ALL addicted to Lost, but what am I supposed to write about that? Can we even call it an addiction? Doesn't an addiction require regular use of a substance? Because Lost only comes on once every 5 years or so. Perhaps people are just addicted to the idea of Lost actually coming on! Or maybe they're addicted to figuring out the 1000 or so subplots in Lost, all of which have been long lost over the last decade. How many main characters does that show even have? Do dead people count?
6) The Weather and its Effects on People
The Weather! What am I supposed to say about that? Rain makes people miserable, Snow makes people miserable, and Hail makes people really miserable. The only exceptions are rednecks with big trucks and auto repair shops. What's more important than the weather is people's effects on people. People make other people miserable, and then make themselves miserable. Does that make sense?
7) When To Use The Words "Effect" or "Affect"
That's a GREAT question to ask Wench, and at just the right time too. I was forced to look it up in an attempt not to look like a dumb-ass in my blog! For all you kiddies out there, listen up, because Professor The Count is going to teach you a lesson today. Go to this here webpage. You can thank me later. I just hope I used it correctly in this post. Now where's my expert consultant fee?
8) What Does Your Favorite Candy Bar Say About You?
WOW this actually inspired me to write this here article. The Wench has either gone insane, or is really messing with me on this one. However, I will entertain the subject, as it is rather interesting once you get by the "retardedness" of it.
I believe if you like any candy, you must be a male, specifically a middle-child or last-born. If you only like very specific kinds of candy, you are either a firstborn, a female, or both. If you don't like ANY candy, then you must be a vegetarian from California. Does that explain it well enough for you?
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