Test Car Drivers You DON'T Want To Run Into

Today I'd like to profile different kinds of prospective test car drivers. Everyone has to deal with moronic drivers; even moronic drivers have to deal with other moronic drivers! I'm going to attempt to categorize them all here. Well, let's just get into it shall we?!

1) The "I'm Going To Tailgate The Hell Out of You and Then Go Slow Once I Pass" Driver

Ah, one of my favorite kinds of drivers. You'll be driving along in the fast lane on the highway, probably passing a slow truck or old person, when you get that predictable tailgater right on your ass. WOW, they must be in a hurry! So you do what any decent citizen does and slam on your brakes pull over to the right after passing the slow vehicle.

Suddenly, the person tailgating you doesn't know WHAT to do! I mean they were perfectly comfortable while attached to your bumper, but now they are SCARED. So up comes the next slow vehicle in the right lane, and now you are forced to get behind the idiot in the left lane, who is now going just fast enough to pass the slow vehicle sometime during the next millennium.

2) The Proud Mint-Condition Truck Owner

The Proud Mint-Condition Truck Owner always drives around a.. well mint-condition giant-ass truck of course. I'm not sure what this is all about, but they have probably gone through some sort of child abuse in their past and now maintaining a perfectly shined truck is their focus in life. You can always spot these drivers because their vehicle looks as if it was serviced by Mr. Clean himself. They also tend to drive extremely slow and carefully, and often have 20-50 cars following them on a one-lane road. However the BIGGEST sign to look for is that they park their vehicle backwards NO MATTER WHAT.

I personally think that the Proud Mint-Condition Truck Owner has some kind of mental condition that causes them to always want to park backwards in spaces. It's not just so they have better visibility, trust me. I can see the gleam in their eyes as they do it.

3) The "Apocalypse Is Coming And I'm Getting To Hell Before You Do" Driver

These drivers don't care about rules, don't care about safety, and especially don't care about you. They don't use their turn-signals, don't follow speed limits, don't stay inside their lanes, and will even use the shoulder to pass. They have one mission in life and that's getting somewhere important and FAST. Perhaps they ran out of Captain Crunch or left a briefcase full of cash in a public location. I experienced a lot of these drivers in Kuwait when I worked there once.

4) The "Old Person With Nowhere To Go" Driver

EVERYONE knows this driver all too well. The typical bent-over old lady or man who drives 15-20mph below the speed limit, and is completely oblivious to the world around them. They could care less that you're 20 minute late for work, because they haven't worked in 20 years! The only thing they have to look forward to is the next Bingo game or History Channel Special.

5) The "Boycott Turn-Signals" Driver

This is a very peculiar driver. Perhaps I'm just going insane, but I swear when they switch lanes, they do it in this extremely arrogant fashion and NEVER use their turn-signal. I think that in reality they are doing this on purpose! They want to make a statement that they aren't going to use their turn-signal and want you to know it! This driver doesn't necessarily go very fast, they just make often lane changes to seemingly showoff their lack of turn-signal usage.

6) The Angry Minivan Driver

Another fascinating creature. The Angry Minivan Driver seems to be keenly aware that they are in fact driving a minivan, and not an SUV or other expensive vehicle. Therefore, they want everyone on the road to know that they are pissed off about this and are going to drive recklessly.

Their minivan is typically at least 5-10 years old and they don't have any regard for it whatsoever. This driver isn't as evil as the apocalyptic person above, but they are nearly as reckless. I call this mysterious illness "Angry Minivan Syndrome". If you think you might have this disease, I would recommend you visit your auto mechanic for a smack-down immediately.

7) The "Young, Poor Female With a Junker" Driver

I see so many of these young female drivers, all with cars from the early 90's. There's not much to say about them, except they usually appear to be in some kind of trance while driving, and never move their eyes from being fixed and straight ahead. I'm not sure if they are in college, or working, or what, but the road is littered with them.

8) The Left Lane Loiterer

Oh yeah I'm sure a lot of people were wondering if I would ever get to this one. I'm not sure about where you live, but in good old Pennsylvania we have a law that you should "pass in the left lane", and "cruise in the right". Of course this kind of driver completely ignores that rule, and just cruises in the left lane. They are completely oblivious like the old driver, except they also block traffic.

There is no solution to the Left Lane Loiterer, because they are blocking your path! They like to sit in the left lane, next to a slow-moving vehicle, and go at exactly the same speed. The person in the right lane usually also acts oblivious and doesn't do anything to resolve the problem. Therefore it's a deadlock with dozens of cars piling up behind the left lane driver. Fun!

9) The Big Rig War-Fiends

This is a group of Big Rig drivers who seem to enjoy passing each other at EXTREMELY low speeds. Typically they like to do this going up a hill, so that adequate speed cannot be produced. These drivers take turns passing each other and block all lanes the entire time. Usually the passer eventually "gives up" trying to pass the other truck, and gets back in the right lane. However, this takes about 10 minutes to happen. In the meantime, enjoy yourself!

10) The Abusive Police Cruiser

It's always nice to get pulled over for going 15 over the speed limit, then seeing the officer pull out afterwards and go 90 because he can get away with it. I even got pulled over once for having tint on my windows! The officer said he was worried that I may have been in a "hostage situation" and he couldn't see through the window. Yes, because I'm sure police could identify a hostage situation through a car window. Would that help? If somebody has a hostage it's to ensure the police can't do anything stupid! Argggh!

Adler Personality: How To Deal With a Firstborn

Today we're going to talk about the best ways to deal with a firstborn. The great doctor Alfred Adler came up with the idea of birth order theory a long time ago! Before we get started I have a confession to make; I'm a firstborn myself. Well actually that's not true. I'm some kind of hybrid. I have an older sister and three younger brothers, so technically I'm somewhere between a firstborn and middle child. I'm also adopted. Is this all making sense to you? OK, great. Let's get started on how to deal with a firstborn:

1) Don't Deal With a Firstborn

The best way to deal with a firstborn is not to deal with a firstborn. You see, firstborns are very hard to deal with. Did I say that already? Avoiding a firstborn altogether will increase your chances of dealing with a firstborn successfully. I would recommend this route unless you are forced to deal with a firstborn. Is this all making sense to you? If not perhaps you should read this paragraph again and take notes.

2) Make Them Think It's Their Idea

Firstborns only do what firstborns want to do, so you can never "convince" them to do anything. Instead, you must make them think every idea is theirs. Let me give you a scenario. We will use the name "Jason" for my imaginary firstborn friend. In this scenario I want to go out to eat with Jason. Here is how it typically goes:

THE COUNT
Hey there Jason! How's life today? So I was thinking, let's go out to Burger King.

JASON
Na, I'm too Busy. Why would you want to go to Burger King anyway? That place sucks and it's unhealthy, You know, you're always eating unhealthy. (Jason then decides to go to McDonald's for dinner).

OK so that didn't work too well. You see, it wasn't Jason's idea, and therefore he rejected it. In many cases Jason will end up picking a very similar place to eat out (but it does have to be different). That way he can come up with 500 excuses for why he chose McDonald's over Burger King. It's not that Jason doesn't want to go out to eat; it's just that he will only do something if it's his idea. While the following solution will not get exactly what you want in most cases, it works much better.

THE COUNT
Hey there Jason! How's life today? I'm pretty hungry, but not sure I feel like doing anything. (walks away as if defeated)

JASON
Hey let's go to Burger King!

THE COUNT
Well, OK. I'll get ready.

This worked much better as you can see. You hint that you are hungry, but then "change your mind" as if it's too much work. This gives Jason the opportunity to make it "his idea". Firstborns LOVE when something is their idea, so 90% of the time it will work. He will gladly jump into the conversation and make a suggestion on where you should go to eat. If you're lucky, it might even be the place you wanted to go!

3) Use a Firstborn's Ego Against Them

Firstborns have enormous egos which require constant maintenance. This is why they are always blabbering on about how great they are. You can use this against them. Public appearances are usually very important to firstborns, so if you manage to make any situation public, they will go from being stubborn to doing what looks best in the public eye.

This method isn't foolproof however. Realize that firstborns are also very manipulative and cunning, and will gladly lie to get their way. If they can sway the public in their direction, it will give them a massive ego boost and you can be sure they will not change their mind on a subject or comply. Firstborns like to use tactics such as leaving out crucial facts detrimental to their cause, or exaggerating facts that make them look good ten-fold.

4) Go Along With The Firstborn and Hope They Lead You To Victory

Giving up is always an option. Fighting a firstborn is extremely stressful and in many cases futile. By just going along with them, they will consider you an ally (in SOME sense) and perhaps treat you better in the long run. Just hope that they have good intentions, or you could be in for a big surprise!

5) Find Another Firstborn to Fight the Firstborn

If you're lucky maybe you can find a more alpha firstborn to battle the bad firstborn! That way you can stay out of the way and let them battle it out! It could end in many different ways. What's certain is that it will either be highly amusing or will make you fall asleep. Just remember that even if one firstborn wins, the other firstborn doesn't lose, because a firstborn never loses inside their own head.

6) Get The Firstborn Drunk

It works on women, so why not try it on a firstborn? They are sure to go into excruciating detail about the many failures in their life they have been covering up for the last decade. Luckily, alcohol works on everyone!

7) Find a NICE Firstborn

Not all firstborns are evil. In fact I have some very good firstborn friends! However, in life I am sure you will experience the bad firstborn someday, whether it's at work or in your personal life. Just remember that these types of firstborns can be very difficult to deal with, and they don't play life by the same rules that you do. Good Luck!

Writing Subjects My Friend Came Up With..

As a Blogger, you're always looking for more subjects to write about. Therefore I enlisted the help of my good friend "The Wench", who provided me with some outstanding writing topics. Instead of actually making a post about these subjects, I would like to talk about why I WON'T be writing about them.

1) Hoarders

OK I don't care about the stupid show and I have absolutely no fascination with people who are "afraid to throw something away". I don't know what the big deal is. I see this nonsense on Facebook and Myspace advertised on the home page like it's the "BIGGEST THING EVER!" Is this what the world is reduced to nowadays? We've solved all other problems, so let's have a popular show about people who store junk.

2) Tasty Recipes

The Wench gave me this topic, but what she doesn't realize is that I'm about as good of a cook as I am a singer. Yes I made a pot-pie and yes I even managed to make chili. Oh wait, that's the easiest thing on the planet to make and I used a MICROWAVE COVER to drain the ground beef. Brilliant!

I think it's safe to say I won't have my own cooking show anytime soon. Besides I can't stand those cooking shows. They always have some pompous dude yelling out catchphrases while he's throwing more spices in the food. Plus the ingredients are all neatly prepared hours before the show starts, making the whole cooking process look so easy. Then you get home and chopping up an onion takes longer than the length of the entire show!

3) People Addicted to Facebook Apps

Since I already wrote a few articles slamming Facebook for being worthless, I don't think this is necessary. Honestly I just don't care about people who play Gang Wars and Farm Universe or whatever it's called. Yes I don't care about the people themselves, who are "too good" to reply to an actual message from another human being. If you're going to play a game, at least play a good one! This one is even better! OK in all honestly I never played any of those Facebook games but I'm too angry to care.

4) Shaky Leg Syndrome

OH that's real funny Wench! She thinks that because I have "shaky leg syndrome" I should talk about it. Well first of all I have no such thing! Just because the table is rocking back and forth like a pirate ship doesn't mean I have something wrong with my leg! People don't even believe depression or ADHD exists, so how are you going to convince them that that "shaky leg syndrome" exists?? Even if I do have "shaky leg syndrome", why should I admit it when I can blame the table shaking on somebody else, like my friend's wife? It's so much more entertaining.

5) Addicted to Lost

We're ALL addicted to Lost, but what am I supposed to write about that? Can we even call it an addiction? Doesn't an addiction require regular use of a substance? Because Lost only comes on once every 5 years or so. Perhaps people are just addicted to the idea of Lost actually coming on! Or maybe they're addicted to figuring out the 1000 or so subplots in Lost, all of which have been long lost over the last decade. How many main characters does that show even have? Do dead people count?

6) The Weather and its Effects on People

The Weather! What am I supposed to say about that? Rain makes people miserable, Snow makes people miserable, and Hail makes people really miserable. The only exceptions are rednecks with big trucks and auto repair shops. What's more important than the weather is people's effects on people. People make other people miserable, and then make themselves miserable. Does that make sense?

7) When To Use The Words "Effect" or "Affect"

That's a GREAT question to ask Wench, and at just the right time too. I was forced to look it up in an attempt not to look like a dumb-ass in my blog! For all you kiddies out there, listen up, because Professor The Count is going to teach you a lesson today. Go to this here webpage. You can thank me later. I just hope I used it correctly in this post. Now where's my expert consultant fee?

8) What Does Your Favorite Candy Bar Say About You?

WOW this actually inspired me to write this here article. The Wench has either gone insane, or is really messing with me on this one. However, I will entertain the subject, as it is rather interesting once you get by the "retardedness" of it.

I believe if you like any candy, you must be a male, specifically a middle-child or last-born. If you only like very specific kinds of candy, you are either a firstborn, a female, or both. If you don't like ANY candy, then you must be a vegetarian from California. Does that explain it well enough for you?

Why Are Grocery Stores Unorganized and Depressing?

It seems like every time I visit a grocery store these days I encounter what appears to be a war-zone instead of a business trying to sell me goods. I'm talking about the employees and managers. It's like they are blindsided by the regular everyday activity of people shopping in their store and attempting to checkout.

The first fun experience is finding a parking spot, and attempting to avoid the 50 shopping carts scattered all around the parking lot. I'm sure the grocery store is trying to "save money during these rough economic times", and therefore doesn't bother hiring somebody full-time to organized the carts.

On the way into the grocery store there's almost always something blocking my path; employees having a smoke break and ranting about their miserable lives, shopping carts, or even the grocery store version of a Zamboni which is usually "broken-down" and being repaired by somebody who doesn't speak English.

Once inside I attempt to roll my cart down all the aisles I wish to browse, which is apparently a huge surprise to the senior citizens and employees completely blocking the aisles with boxes and carts. I roll up to them and they pretend they can't see me and continue their activities. I continue to stand there and they finally realize I'm not going away. Then they give me a look as if to say "what are you doing with that cart idiot!" I pass by and hear them sigh behind me since their day is now ruined.

For some reason employees in grocery stores are notoriously miserable all the time, as if God himself enslaved and forced them to work at Walmart on night-shift. Perhaps the world is truly that miserable, but I for one will drink enough energy beverage to pretend it's a paradise.

Next I go to vegetable world and of course there are no bags left to put the vegetables in, even though the store is practically deserted. Instead the employees are wasting time with that Zamboni trying to polish the floor to perfection. Hey guess what?! I don't care about the floor looking like an Olympic Skating Rink! I want to buy stuff dammit!

Finally it's time to leave the store and I approach the self-checkouts, since that's always the only thing open at night apparently. Nearby employees run for the hills to avoid assisting me. The last employee is forced to stick around and they look like a deer caught in headlights. I attempt to process my cart full of stuff, and the self-checkout does not cooperate. It wants me to put items back on the scanner... no put them on the scale.. no put them into a bag. OK it's in the bag stupid scanner. Oh wait now it says I need assistance.

The employee manning the "assistance station" pretends not to hear it for a while, as if the problem will resolve itself, then finally snickers and comes over. Apparently they've never used a computer before because they stand there and punch buttons like a caveman and say words like "interesting". Finally, they call a manager who is probably out on a smoke break as well. 5 minutes later the manager shows up and fixes the problem in two seconds, and laughs as if he should get an award for being efficient. Of course he doesn't show the incompetent employee how to fix the problem for the next suffering customer.

I leave the grocery store but.. Oh wait this entrance is closed now. I go to the other side of the grocery store and leave through the "main entrance" and roam to my vehicle. Apparently I'm the only person that day who puts their cart into the cart area instead of just kicking it down the road. Ah, the pleasures of everyday life.

Fun With Google Product Search

I'm always looking for entertainment in life, and Google Product Search is a great way to entertain yourself. It gives you insight into what people are searching to buy on the internet. I like to refresh it and laugh at all the retarded junk people spend money on.

Let's start off with the an item no respectable human should be without: A Grappling Hook. Since I'm fairly certain that Navy SEALS aren't buying their equipment on Google Product Search, that leaves the rest of you clowns! Now what are you people going to do with a grappling hook?! What is this, Die Hard 5?

With that out of the way, let's move on to Hulk Smash Hands. You know, 10 years ago when I worked in a toy store, I used to put the Hulk smash hands on and take people down! Shoplifters, employees, and even mall security guards felt the wrath of my ultimate green power! Of course that was a decade ago. Too bad I didn't come up with that product idea because if people are still buying them the inventor must be banking.

For those of you who are a bit "retro", don't forget to pick up a sundial on the net, because all the coolest people use them to tell the time. Who needs a Rolex when you can have a solid brass sundial that weighs 20 pounds?

If you're trying to make a BIG fashion statement, there's no better way than to purchase a Chef's Hat. Be the life of the party with a fashion accessory so unique and cool, Brad Pitt himself would be jealous. Even better, you could purchase a Personalized Chef Hat and get your name printed on it. What do you think, should I go with "C-Dawg"?

If that doesn't impress you, perhaps you can buy an "Explosive-Proof Refrigerator", for the low price of just $5000. I don't know WHAT that's used for but it sounds pretty bad-ass. Who wouldn't want to brag to their friends about having an explosive-proof refrigerator?

Let's move on to my personal favorite, the Megaphone. It's a great way to communicate with people who have less than adequate hearing, such as high school kids. Why wait in traffic when you can turn on the authentic siren and pass everybody? Just be careful around police, who may not appreciate your impersonation attempt.

Looking to become the next world-news sensation? Get yourself a Green Laser Pointer, and the power to blind airplane pilots 5 miles up will be yours! The newest green laser pointers have a range of hundreds of miles, making this task easier than ever! Don't forget to Tweet about your activity in excruciating detail so that the FBI can easily track you down. You don't even need kids or a giant balloon to pull this off!

To quench the "corny" inside of you, it's always a smart decision to purchase an Accordion. What better instrument could you possibly pick to get attention from all the ladies? Most rock stars start their careers with an accordion. Didn't you know that?

Last but not least, we have the Mickey Mouse Toaster. What a brilliant idea! Let's give a device that could burn the hell out of you and probably electrocute you a Disney theme! How about they invent a "Barney Stun Gun" while they're at it?!

10 Things To Hate About Facebook

If you read one of my previous posts, you already know how much I love social sites like Myspace and Facebook. Well today we will go over 10 things to hate about Facebook!

1) Stupid Groups

Here's the big obvious one. Somebody over at Facebook thought having groups would be a good idea, and in theory it's true. The possibilities are endless! Local groups, singles groups, hobby groups, etc. However, the implementation went.. Well, different than they probably imagined.

I think the first retarded group that got my attention was "I'm going to watch the movie 2012 in 2014 and laugh". I mean seriously. Oh, then somebody figured out how to transfer email spam over to Facebook. Remember the days when you would get an email like this: "Little Timmy can't get a liver transplant until 5 billion of you people forward this to all your friends, and you'll have good luck for the rest of your life bla bla bla". Only on Facebook it's "Join this here group and captain buckwheat will name his firstborn child Megatron." Wow!

2) "Facebook isn't for socializing"

While it's possible this applies to only me, somehow I doubt it. People like to use Facebook for all sorts of things (mostly superficial), but they won't even reply to a message. Whether on their wall or a personal message, it just seems like Facebookers are more concerned with leveling up in their gang-wars game. The younger people are even worse! It's like going to a bar and playing with the poker machine all night instead of talking to people.

3) Let's All Use The "Siblings" Section to Put More Friends

Oh yeah people let's not use Siblings to put our actual brothers and sisters. Instead we will turn it into a "mega-friend tab" and just throw like 20-30 people in there for no reason. Remember everyone "it's cool" to not use something the way it was intended.

4) Tagging People in Phony Pictures

Since college failures and high school punks only have 1000+ pictures of themselves, they are forced to improvise and tag everyone in all sorts of "creative" ways. How about a giant image full of phrases like "the funny guy" and "drama queen". Let's just tag people in these pictures to show how much we care, then when others look through their pictures, they have to endure tons of spam images where somebody is tagged as a phrase. Woot!

5) Single Mothers

Single mothers and new mothers want the ENTIRE WORLD to know how awesome their kids are, by posting no less than 5000 pictures of them. They usually avoid posting pictures of themselves, and even use their kids pictures for their own profile! Argggh! The worst thing is in many cases the single mothers are the best looking, so who wants to look through 500 pics of their kids? I wonder if people are seriously that full of themselves that they think every moment of their kid's life must be on film for the world to see??

6) Really, Really Bad Applications

While Facebook owns Myspace pretty hard, the apps are horrendous. Most of them get obscenely low ratings such as one or two stars, and serve no better purpose than to spam everyone with ads and website links. Applications are all viral on Facebook. Once one person is tricked into installing it, they are encouraged to send it to all their friends in return for crappy little bonuses.

Hmmm, it kind of reminds me of dating sites! Have everyone go through the free signing up part, and then make them think there are tons of active users, when really they're just other people going through the free stage. When you finally get suckered into paying, most of the profiles are ghosts! Nice!

7) Birthdays

Facebook reminds you of people's birthdays, which is REALLY annoying. Especially for us users who log in every day. We have no excuse to miss somebody's birthday when it comes up on the homepage all the time. I am then forced to go buy the person a Subway gift card so that they can "eat smart".

8) Facebook Loves to Remind You That You're Single

From Valentines day to just the plain old "Relationship Status", Facebook is always thinking of ways to remind you that you're single. There are also plenty of worthless applications that try to exploit your singleness to get you to install them. Once you sign up, you'll quickly realize how well online dating works. This isn't the 1990s anymore!

9) Lack of Music Support

If you visit social sites from other countries (like Vkontakte in Russia), you'll quickly realize how bad Facebook fails when it comes to music and media. This is of course because of our wonderful friends in the music industry, who make it practically impossible to hear a song without jumping through their idiotic hoops. Instead, we're blessed with games that let you manage a virtual farm. I'm sure the Russians are jealous!

10. Friend "Suggestions"

The best part of signing into Facebook is getting all kinds of "recommendations" on friends you should add, based on their proximity to your other friends. This is a lot of fun, especially when it starts suggesting I add friends from China and the Philippines. I'm not sure how the hell some of these people get suggested. Some of them aren't even in English! Click them away and they come back the next time you refresh the page or sign in!

So I Was Uploading Music To YouTube..

A few days ago I came up with the brilliant plan of making "fake" rap videos using a cartoon called "Beast Wars: Transformers" from the 90's, and some of my favorite rap songs. I would then upload these priceless videos to YouTube for millions of awestruck spectators to enjoy!

Only one problem; it seems that YouTube isn't in the business of hosting videos OR music anymore, unless it was made in your garage. Here in the "land of the free", it's now impossible to upload almost any song to YouTube, as background music for any video. Thanks to a new technology that probably cost millions to develop, YouTube and other similar sites now flag pretty much all copyrighted content, then delete your videos, mute them, or block them in certain countries.

In order for me to upload my videos, I was forced to change the pitch of the songs (ruin them) until they sounded like they were being played underwater. You just have to laugh at the resources some companies or even countries will put into such a worthless cause. Until people learn how to load their iPod up with songs from YouTube, I think the music industry needs to get their heads out of their asses and realize that it's free advertising! Some of them have already done this, but YouTube these days is still a disaster. I would say at least 10% of my 200 favorites have been deleted thanks to this wonderful new copyright system.

I know plenty of people who stopped buying music when iTunes came around and you could only download DRM protected music. That was the wonderful (5+ year?) stretch where your iTunes collection was locked down so that you couldn't do anything with your music. Finally a year or two ago iTunes removed the DRM nonsense, and I know that's when I started buying music on iTunes again. At least until they decided to change to that shady price scheme last year.

This latest YouTube bullshit inspires me to once again cease purchasing music from iTunes and anywhere. Of course I would *cough* never condone music piracy. The music industry just keep screwing themselves over by playing this hardball game.. Suing individual people? How pathetic will they get? What was that latest case with the single mother who was ordered to pay ($50 million???) LOL, wow sometimes you have to love this country and the crap corporations and the government get away with..

Sleeping During The Day: Top 10 Reasons to be Nocturnal

People are always reminding me that it's "normal" to sleep at night and be active during the day, but why focus on that? Today we will talk about the Top 10 reasons to be nocturnal!

1) Everything Looks Better

This principal doesn't just apply to sleeping with unattractive women. Everything looks better at night! Dust, dirt, and just plain bad looks are all minimized by a lack of light. Car dirty? No problem, just go grocery shopping at night! In fact..

2) Go Grocery Shopping at Night!

Sick and tired of the Walmart daytime crowds? No issue here fellow humans! Just visit your favorite grocery store at night. Ensure that it either has self-checkout aisles or adequate staffing to accommodate you. As an experienced nocturnahuman, I can give you good advice on this.

Places like Walmart often have even worse lines at night since they only have one register open. However, if you can find a place with enough registers open, nighttime will still be far better! Also watch out for the people who do their heavy duty shopping at night!

3) Enjoy the Wonderful Serenity of Darkness

Daytime is full of all kinds of nasty things. Lawnmowers, bees, lumberjacks and UPS trucks can all ruin your day with noise and racket. This is why you should invest in soundproofing and light-proofing your home or apartment.

At night you can read, write, browse the internet, or play war-games without all the daytime racket. Tape all your favorite shows and watch them without the commercials at night, while everyone else is having nightmares about the Geico lizard.

4) No Sunglasses, Glare, or Traffic!

Driving around has never been so easy! With the absence of light you don't require fashionably incorrect sunglasses, and you don't have to worry about visors to block out the harsh UV rays that are turning you into a prune.

Traffic is not an issue since everyone is asleep, so you have the roads to yourself. Go as fast as you like! Just watch out for deer and firstborn police officers. Personally, I like to use the cruise control and drive an unsuspecting budget vehicle to avoid confrontations with the boys in blue.

5) Avoid Awkward Social Events

The next time you are invited to an awkward social event, guess what? "You're on night shift". Amaze people by telling them about your important "government computer job" and rant about how hard it is to maintain such a hectic lifestyle. Make sure you tell them about your "10% differential pay" for working nights!

6) Become The Neighborhood Horror Story

Nothing scares people more than a mysterious man roaming around the neighborhood at night. Become a local legend! I would suggest taking long walks through parking lots and hovering around expensive vehicles. To enhance the experience hoist a shovel or axe over your shoulder while exploring the area.

7) Avoid Potential Lovers

Nothing is worse than becoming a victim to the crime know as a "relationship". Keep your hard-earned money and avoid unnecessary drama by staying single. There is no better way to stay single than being nocturnal. Unless you live in a city of course. In that case I would recommend never leaving your residence unless absolutely necessary. If engaged by the opposite sex with eye-contact, remember to look at your watch and whistle loudly while walking by.

8) Save Money on your Cell Phone Minutes

Everyone wants to save money on their phone bill. I can tell you from personal experience that being nocturnal is the solution! Who are you going to call at 2am on your phone? Nobody, unless your friends are all nocturnal as well. All the people who call you during the day will be forced to leave voice-mail messages, and this will filter out the jive-turkeys.

9) Get a Night Shift Job

I wouldn't recommend getting a job unless absolutely necessary.. However if you must, getting a night shift job can be lucrative. The pay and demand is often higher, making it easier to find and keep a night shift job.

By far the BEST part of working a night shift job is driving home in the morning. You get to laugh your ass off at all the miserable people driving to work during rush hour, as you drive towards your comfy home. Soon you will be asleep, and they will just be starting their drawn-out shift at Burger King.

10) Avoid "Important" People at Work

If you did get a night shift job, you will soon see the biggest benefit of all; avoiding so called "important" people such as managers and owners at your company. Typically, these "important" people like to have socially commendable lives, which consist of working 9-5 Monday-Friday, having a giant family, three divorces, and a Blackberry.

Managers are so concerned about their public appearances that they wouldn't be caught dead rolling into work in the middle of the night. That would suggest that they have marital or financial issues, or are just plain psychotic. So enjoy your peaceful shift at work by playing online flash games, sleeping, or leaving work to go do something more entertaining until the morning comes around.

Can't Get Enough Caffeine? It's Nature's Antidepressant!

Allow me to share with you a deep secret about the world; caffeine is in fact nature's antidepressant! A lot of people out there drink copious amounts of coffee or Red Bull under the guise that it's to "keep them awake" or they claim to "like the flavor". Well folks it's all a myth. People are addicted to caffeine only because it keeps them from jumping off tall buildings in the dead of the night.

You're probably wondering about my qualifications in making such a claim, but let me assure you that my skills in observation are first-rate. Starbucks isn't a gathering place for elitists and condescending snobs, it's a mental health clinic! You think those people standing in line playing with their iPhones are paying $5 to enjoy the taste of ground up coffee beans? Guess again; they are simply consuming enough caffeine to euphorically pretend their server job at Burger King is important in the world.

The more depressing somebody's job is, the higher their intake of caffeine becomes. Lawyers and computer techs can be regularly spotted at convenience stores wielding enormous plastic jugs full of coffee which contain enough caffeine to kill an adult sperm whale.

While this type of behavior may initially seem baffling, think about the money these people are potentially saving. Instead of visiting a therapist or psychiatrist at $100-200 an hour several times a month, they simply visit the nearest retail outlet for their mental health needs. Who needs prescriptions when you can guzzle down a HITMAN Energy Shot!

In today's world we have more caffeine options than ever before! Coffee is almost obsolete with the influx of Red Bull, Monster Energy, and even generic beverages that contain not just caffeine, but a large variety of other substances known to fight depression. So the next time you're feeling down, don't just call your therapist. Take a ride to your nearest grocery store and see what caffeine can do for you!

Cooking Disasters: Failing With Flair

Like many other impulsive disasters in my life, this cooking nightmare started off with a caffeine overdose. Having run out of what I thought was an endless supply of soggy Subway sandwiches purchased days before, I was forced to make a decision; go out to eat or starve. However, another possibility suddenly entered my head, and I laughed psychotically as I brought up my web browser. I would cook tonight!

Oh the possibilities! "This promises to be fun!", I said to my cat as I scrolled through endless recipes on the internet. I decided upon an extremely well-rated pot-pie, and sent it to my iPhone before barreling down the stairs of my apartment and out to my luxurious Honda Civic.

I put my headphones on to avoid the inevitable social invasion from the "special people" next door, and took off for the closest supermarket. Upon arriving at my destination I looked around in wonder at the 50 aisles full of items that would probably either kill me, or kill my bank account balance, or both.

Since single gentlemen such as myself are not equipped with "life skills", I spent the better part of 40 minutes searching for the ingredients to my epic pot pie. Milk? No problem! Butter? Do they mean real butter or that stuff in the tub or vegetable oil? Whatever. How about "Celery Seed"? What the hell is that??? Six Dollars! Wow, that's more than a Subway sandwich!

Angry as I was, I forced myself to buy all the silly items listed on the recipe, and after checking out did a victory lap around the parking lot to celebrate my success. Of course no supermarket visit is complete without yelling kids, cranky old ladies, and broken self-checkouts.

Arriving home I was already starting to realize that I had spent more money and time on the pot pie BEFORE I even cooked it than it was worth. I started counting off how many Subway sandwiches I could have bought, but I smacked myself in the head. This was a MISSION, and I WOULD follow through or die trying!

After watching a few periods of Olympic hockey, it was time to get to work. The recipe listed the preparation time as "20 minutes", and suggested that I pre-heat the oven to 375 degrees before getting started. I happily complied and started the task of cutting vegetables. 20 minutes later I was done cutting carrots, but still had onions, potatoes, raw chicken to go! One hour later, I was finally finished, and started thinking about how much money the pre-heated oven was costing me. I turned it off, knowing this would be a long day.

Next I was instructed to boil all the vegetables and chicken in water. Of course it took 15 minutes just for the stupid water to START boiling! Arrrgh! Of course I didn't have a lid for the saucepan, so the steam went all over my apartment, creating some kind of jungle atmosphere. By the time I was dong boiling the vegetables, I'm pretty sure I spotted an anaconda snake slithering behind my sofa. Perhaps he could help me cook, because I was already getting tired of it.

But back to the task at hand. It was time to move on to the next stage. I was supposed to drain the vegetables, which I successfully did with some kind of microwave cover plastic thingy that had holes in it. In the meantime I was supposed to cook some onions in butter. Hah! That sounded easy enough. After the onions became "translucent", I mixed in flour, salt, pepper, and that damned celery seed that cost me $6! I cursed at the celery seed and told him that he better taste damn good or I was sending him to the supermarket headquarters for a refund. Of course the celery seed just laughed at me, knowing his flavorful effects upon the pot pie were a concept a barbarian such as myself could never understand.

Success! The "sauce" appeared to be ready, as did the giant plastic microwave cover full of vegetables and chicken. I was now to put both into the pie crust. Of course I don't know anything about pie crusts, and the first one broke in half while I attempted to remove it from the tin foil it came packaged in. Even though I bought the biggest pot pie pan I could find, the mixture of vegetables, chicken, and sauce spilled over the top and turned my stove into a milky swimming pool. I cursed and threw my Red Bull across the room. At this point I didn't even care anymore.

I put the stupid pot pie in the stove which (oh crap!) was not preheated because I totally forgot about it. Yeah, that's because the damn preparation time was 2 hours, not 20 minutes! "Whatever", I said. I preheated the damn oven, and put the pot pie in there. 40 minutes later I was still cleaning up the kitchen which now resembled the set of Terminator 2.

I took the pot pie out of the oven, and it didn't look bad. I waited for the "10 minute cool-down" period to end, and scooped some of it onto a plate. It was pretty tasty, except the potatoes weren't very cooked. So I put the pot pie back in for another 20 minutes, then another 20 minutes, then another 10 minutes, and it finally seemed OK. Another half an hour of cleaning the kitchen and I was completely exhausted and pissed off.

To make things worse I bought enough ingredients for two pot pies! The next night I was forced to make it again, and even with my "newfound experience" I spent half the night engaged in battle with the pot pie. The second pot pie was amazingly good, but I couldn't even come close to admitted it was worth all the effort.

So to all you "cooks" out there who make food every night, I don't know how you do it. In fact I don't even want to know how you do it. I guess everyone has their skills; I can setup an entire network with 100 computers in one night, but I'll be damned if I can make a pot pie or a bowl of cereal. Well THIS IS THE LAST TIME! If you want to find me I'll be at Subway or a mental health clinic recovering for the next few months.

Oh, and in case you want to make that stupid pot pie: I DARE YOU!

Middle Child Syndrome Symptoms: Top 10 List

Today we will examine the top 10 signs that you are a middle child. Having middle child syndrome is no joke. You could end up working in a cheese sandwich factory if you're not careful!

1) You Would Rather Suffer than Confront ANY Situation

The middle child is used to having low self-esteem and confidence. They assume that every problem is somehow their fault, no matter how ridiculous. Take for example noisy neighbors. While a firstborn will eagerly confront the neighbors with gunfire or a call to the police, the middle child would rather put earplugs on or move to a new city.

2) You Have Human Emotions

Unlike their robotic firstborn counterparts and last-born attention whores, the middle child actually considers the welfare of other people. This is a weakness which should be corrected immediately through caffeine addiction, military training, or repeated electroshock therapy. The middle child cannot afford to be "nice" to people and let them get away with their treachery!

3) Did I Mention You're Too Nice To People?

The middle child is always too nice for their own good, especially when it comes to business. They are often extremely talented but unlike the opportunistic and ruthless firstborn, the middle child is more likely to give everything away for free. The middle child has a warped perspective of their own worth, and often undervalues it.

4) You Help Everyone Else Fix Their Problems, But End Up Homeless

Middle children love to help other people, but it goes beyond "being too nice". The middle child will spend a vast amount of their time and resources helping other people who probably don't deserve it, then end up with less money in their bank account than the US Government.

5) You Have Plans, But They Never Happen!

The middle child is brilliant at making plans in life, but never actually following them anywhere. From "moving to Africa" to "starting the next Google", middle children have thought it all up! Typically after announcing such epic plans, the middle child can be found in their living room watching Lost and whining about waking up for work in the morning.

6) You Have a Realistic View of Yourself

While firstborns think they are Gods, and last-borns are too busy getting "high on life", the middle child knows exactly where they stand. This makes middle children master of manipulation, as they understand themselves, firstborns, and last-borns as well. Unfortunately, the middle child's low confidence and self-esteem will ensure that they never have the guts to manipulate anybody. Did I mention they were too nice also?

7) When You Actually Accomplish Something, Nobody Cares

For the aspiring middle child who actually does do something in life, nobody seems to care anyway! The firstborns will be too stubborn to admit your success, and the last-borns will be more concerned with finding that dance music album they just lost.

8) I'm a Middle Child..

I just lost my attention span so we will just stop at 7. *Yawn* now it's off to watch some Lost! Did I mention I hate waking up in the morning?

Staying Single: Marriage is for Suckers

Contrary to popular belief, there's nothing wrong with staying single. Marriage is for suckers after all. A divorce rate of 50% and growing? No thanks! Let's not even get into the much worse statistics of second, third and fourth marriages! The odds are really against you if you fail the first time.

Let me ask you one simple question: Do you really want to be responsible for bringing somebody into this world? Have you really thought it through? I don't think most people have.

OK, so marriage doesn't necessarily mean kids, but let's face it; most of the time it does. I don't know about the rest of you, but I certainly want to have the idea of kids well thought out before "putting it into action".

In the United States today, we have reckless and irresponsible politicians, an education system that reeks of failure, and a national debt that's absolutely astounding. Do you want to be the person who brings a kid into the world and regrets it if our country collapses and they are making grass soup for dinner?

OK, OK perhaps I got carried away. Let's get back on subject. Marriage is full of issues, the worst being money. Our society is designed to encourage divorce and irresponsible "breeding". I know this doesn't apply everywhere, but where I live there are plenty of money-hungry women looking for the opportunity to have some illegitimate kids and rake in the child support. Another government failure. It's not uncommon for a single mother to have 2+ kids around here. Many of these women are raking in thousands in "child support".

Relationships are hard enough without getting married. How many people actually live together long enough before marriage to know if they are compatible? With religion getting in the way, a lot of people aren't even considering it. They say you should live together with somebody for all four seasons before getting married, and I can absolutely vouch for that. Living with somebody is the ultimate test of their character.

As a single person, I have absolute freedom. I have 100% control over my finances and live the lifestyle I want! Nap at 3pm? No problem! Issues with girlfriends are resolved easily, since they are much more likely to compromise than a wife. Oh, and if that doesn't work I don't have to hand over half my assets.

Yes there is the loneliness factor when being single, but the grass is always greener on the other side as they say. Do you really think that complicating your life will make it better? Keeping it simple isn't a bad idea. I don't care what society says, if you want to do something in your life, then do it for yourself! Not for your family, friends, or strangers you haven't even met!

If you want to get married in today's world, then you must have realistic expectations and plan for the worst. Getting a Prenuptial agreement is a good idea, and if you cannot communicate with your mate then what's the point? Don't put on a show; be yourself. Just remember once you're married, they are going to inevitably find out who you really are, and that shouldn't be a bad thing!

As for me, I'm almost 30 years old and single. Still, I have my dignity, my bank account is intact, and I don't have to worry about my kids facing a darker world than the rest of us can imagine. Someday that may change, and I hope to follow my own advice.

Did I mention I was adopted from birth? Have a plan people! Don't be impulsive!

Poor Service, Restaurant Servers, and Personality Characteristics: An Analysis

Poor service from restaurant servers isn't exactly a new theme in life. However, by looking at each server's personality characteristics, patterns start to emerge. Let's take a look!

The Phony Personality Server

You can always spot these servers from a mile away, thanks to their phony smiles and contradicting actions. These servers are typically women, and their service is usually second-rate. They put out minimal effort to appear "caring", but in reality are probably thinking about the next outlaw biker they are going to take home after work.

Even if the phony smile doesn't give these servers away, their crappy service will. They are likely to completely forget about refilling your drink, but then put on a big apology act when you remind them 20 minutes later. My favorite part is when they bring the check. You can practically see the dollar signs in their eyes, and they get even more phony; but only for about 5 seconds before running off to chat with their buddies in the kitchen. The Phony Personality Server somehow assumes the rest of us can't see through their pathetic act.

The Forgetfully Awkward Server

This server is always forgetting things, and is typically male (probably new as well). You purposely went into the restaurant during the slowest part of the day for better service, but the Forgetfully Awkward Server still act as if it's Saturday night on Valentines Day. There's nothing this server won't forget, from the right drinks, to straws, to ketchup, to your check. They're constantly running back and forth to the kitchen to get one little forgotten thing. Forgetfully Awkward Servers are also notoriously unorganized and awkward, knocking things over and falling down. They surely won't last long at the restaurant, but unfortunately there always seems to be another one eager to take their place.

The Bitter Career Waitress

This woman will give you decent service, but doesn't bother with the phony personality or feigned happiness. The Bitter Career Waitress makes it clear that she isn't going anywhere in life. She has already been through at least 3-5 rough divorces, and she wants to make damn sure you know all about them. She may refill your coffee consistently, but will simultaneously sap the energy out of you with stories about all her exes, and how they are stalking her from the gas station parking lot next door. Be careful of this one!

The "I'm New and Happy But Will Soon be Miserable!" Server

You will probably get the best service imaginable from this server, who's typically a young woman. They have just started the job and are delighted to help you get everything you need. You might even think they have a good personality! Enjoy it while it lasts, because next week they will be more miserable than the infamous Bitter Career Waitress.

The Efficiency Whore

This server doesn't give a damn about how long it takes to refill your drink, as long as she does 10 other things along the way! They are all about efficiency, but don't care about time. The Efficiency Whore probably won't refill your drink unless you ask, but will take at least ten minutes to do it. They will stop at other tables, taking orders and dropping off checks along the way. This server wants to expel the least amount of energy while appearing to be busy. In reality they are just lazy.

The First Born Server

The First Born Server is completely logical. Whether male or female, everything is a calculation. If they refill your drink, it's because their calculations show their tip will go up 1.5% and they will get 3% less complaints. The First Born Server has a plan, and you're simply a means to get there. They usually provide good service, without the "smile" part. First Born's don't believe in smiles; only results. These servers don't get along well with Bitter Career Waitresses and Efficient Whores in particular, and will walk all over anyone getting in the way of their big plan for success.

Love The Winter and Hate Summer? 10 Reasons Why Winter is Better!

If you're like me, you love the winter, hate summer, and Cold vs Hot is an easy decision. Today we will talk about the top 10 reasons why winter owns summer.

1) Snow and Ice Are Smooth Sailing, but Grass is Gritty and Dirty

You can't sled or glide on grass. You can't do much of anything with grass. All it does is get your shoes dirty and provide cover for opportunistic insects. Just imagine the beautiful Joannie Rochette skating around on a smooth layer of ice, and then think about a stadium full of toothless rednecks smashing into each other in big foot trucks. Now try to argue with me. Did I mention I love the winter and hate summer?

2) Fireplaces are Better than Pools

Nobody can resist the crisp heat of a toasty fireplace on a windy, cold night. Don't you love the winter? Pools? who wants to go swimming in a pool? It's probably full of urine from the last 1000 todders and whining brats swimming around in it, not to mention all the adults who "couldn't make it to the bathroom on time". Pools require constant time-intensive maintenance. It should make you hate summer. All fireplaces require is a steady supply of wood, coal, and MC Hammer albums. A clear Cold vs Hot victory here.

3) No Yard Maintenance

If you're like me you probably have childhood nightmares of being woken up at 8am on Saturday and Sunday to mow 10 acres of land. Do you realize how many years of X-Men cartoons I now have to make up for? Sure you might have to shovel some snow a few times, but at least it doesn't grow back. If you don't love the winter yet, you must have the latest John Deer tractor. How else can you not hate summer? Until snow starts growing, another Cold vs Hot victory for winter.

4) No Bugs!

Everyone hates bugs, and therefore you can conclude that everyone should hate summer and love the winter! Who wants to spend their time crawling around underneath a deck like a chimney sweep looking to exterminate "a colony" at 2am? You can keep your can of bee spray, because I love the winter! I prefer it when the bugs are all dead or have migrated someplace tropical where I will never visit. Cold vs Hot: No contest here.

5) You Can Pretend to be Russian

There's no better excuse to drink gallons of vodka than trying to "warm yourself up". Besides, what else are you going to do? Play team sports outside? Not unless you have a giant frozen lake nearby. The Russians hate summer and love the winter because "Siberia" wouldn't make sense if there were palm trees and camels roaming around. 9/10 Russian agree in the Cold vs Hot argument ice is king!

6) No Need To Wash Your Car

Why wash your car when you know another winter storm is just around the corner? It's the perfect opportunity to be lazy. Besides, it's always hilarious to see those rich people with Beamers and convertibles trying to keep their cars clean and getting stuck with their "high performance tires". Perhaps they should learn to love the winter, and purchase a giant gas-guzzling SUV like the rest of us.

7) Your Car Transforms into a Refrigerator

It's great to get takeout or leftovers from a restaurant, and just leave them in your car indefinitely! My friends routinely leave strombolis in their car so that I can eat them later. How generous of them! Well OK, they were actually trying to hide the food from me, but it's the thought that counts right! Cold vs Hot: Winter wins again! Do you love the winter and hate summer yet?

8) Fat People Can Cover up their Folds

What better way to cover up your extra blubber than wearing 4 layers of clothing? This also works great for skinny people, who can walk with confidence after putting on two jackets. You could be a body builder for all the world knows. Let's not forget the extra 10 pockets for guns and other self defense accessories. It's a well known fact that fat people hate summer, and love the winter. Cold vs Hot: Another shutout!

9) Sleep in Your Car

Some people out there might think that sleeping in your car is a bad idea in the winter. Too cold? Nonsense, that's what 5 layers of clothing are for. You can always put more on. Try sleeping in a car during July and you will see why that doesn't work so well. Also, in the winter your dirty car will conceal your presense, which might be important if you're homless and sleep in the parking lot of your Burger King job. Once again, another reason to love the winter and hate summer, a cruel demon of the world. Sweaty homeless folks know what time it is in the Cold vs Hot competition.

10) Winter Olympics!

If you're like me, then ice hockey is much more attractive than a bunch of dudes running and jumping over metal poles. The winter olympics is beautiful and seems more spectacular when it's cold. Perhaps it's because there are no bugs! For those of us who love the winter, there's nothing better than watching the winter Olympics while getting cozy in our den! We all know where hockey players stand in the Cold vs Hot debate.

Well there you have it folks. I hope you enjoyed the 10 reasons why we hate summer, love the winter, and why in the Cold vs Hot competition, the winner is obvious!

The Dumbing Down of Pointless Sites Such as Facebook

The dumbing down of pointless sites like Facebook, Myspace and Twitter today seems all too prevalent. Am I the only person who sees it that way? Is it just a local phenomenon, or a global society meltdown?

I remember back in the 90's when chat rooms and dating sites arrived. How exciting! A non-confrontational way to meet people with common interests. Most of my shopping is done online, for better prices and a vastly larger selection. Why should socializing be any different?

Today the dumbing down of Facebook, Myspace, and Twitter makes me sad. These pointless sites had so much potential. Facebook in particular is brilliant. The high tech design and implementation makes it easy to follow your friends and see what's going on in their lives. I hoped to connect with lots of old friends.

Sadly it just didn't turn out that way. Instead, people use these pointless sites to play idiotic farm sims and gangster RPGs. Twitter has been reduced to a wasteland of pointless tweets about everyday tasks such as eating a Big Mac. The dumbing down of social networks kill their own potential; People seem to have time to join hundreds of groups such as, "I'm going to watch the movie 2012 in 2014 and laugh", and yet they don't have time to reply to a hand-crafted message from an old friend.

These pointless sites may ultimately point to a larger truth; It's not just the dumbing down of social sites, but the dumbing down of global society. People seem to be moving away from traditional relationships towards short-term alliances and acquaintances instead.

The rest of the world have their own social sites, such as Hi5 and Vkontаkte. I wonder if they are part of this global society meltdown, or am I just crazy?

What do you think?

Russian Women and Foreign Marriage: The Truth

In today's fast-paced, computer dominated world, there's no doubt that young men and women have quite a challenge in trying to find companionship. With the divorce rate among the highest in the world, the United States has struggled to find the traditional values which once defined it.

It's no surprise then that young men in particular have found solace in a new outlet; Russian women and the online dating sites and agencies where they can be found. Other popular locations for foreign marriage include FSU Countries, as well as Asia and even South America. Russian women in particular are known for their beauty and traditional values. The big question however, is what's the real deal? Are these beautiful, faithful women too good to be true? Is foreign marriage nothing but a big scam? What marriage statistics are available? Most importantly, can you find love overseas?

Let's start with the facts. Due to the complexity of foreign marriage, there aren't many marriage statistics to work with. In fact the only widely quoted statistic is from the United States Citizenship and Immigration Service (USCIS), which reports that "...marriages arranged through these [foreign dating] services would appear to have a lower divorce rate than the nation as a whole, fully 80 percent of these marriages having lasted over the years for which reports are available." This is great news for men looking to find a solid marriage! Still, it's a vague statistic. We don't know how many years it's talking about or any other specifics.

The US Department of Homeland Security and Department of State report that for the year 2003, 46,411 immigrants arrived on marriage and fiance visas, while 5,435 departed. Using these numbers we can loosely conclude that around 88% of these marriages lasted at least one year.

Unfortunately, there's no denying that there are superficial motives on both sides. US citizenship is an extremely valuable commodity, which is very difficult to obtain in places like Eastern Europe. Russian women may be drawn to the financial opportunity presented by marrying an American man as well. On the other hand, an American man could certainly exploit the system by attempting to marry a woman out of his league or far too young to be realistic. A controlling man might also wish to have a naive foreign wife who he can manipulate.

As with many things in life the truth about foreign marriage probably lies somewhere in the middle. Are all Russian women looking for marriage evil scammers? Of course not. In countries like Ukraine the sex ratio is among the most unbalanced in the world (in favor of men). It's no wonder then, that the women there are looking elsewhere for a husband. Men looking at Russian women for a potential wife should use their head, be careful, be realistic, and take their time. Just because it's a foreign marriage doesn't mean it will be an easy marriage! Finally, if something seems too good to be true, it probably is. Good Luck!

Sources:

U.S. Department of State, Visa Office - Immigrant and Nonimmigrant Visas Issued: Fiscal Years 1998-2003
U.S. Department of Homeland Security, Office of Immigration Statistics - Length of Visit of Nonimmigrants Departing the United States in 2003

Human Emotions: The Sad Story of Joannie Rochette and How it Affects Us All

As the Vancouver Winter Olympics came around last month, I did the same thing I do every two years; I thought to myself, "That sounds interesting" and went on with my life.

Two weeks into the Olympics this time around I decided to tune in to one little "harmless" hockey game. This of course led to more hockey games, which led to more sports, which led to a full-out obsession with the Olympics in only a few days. The only sport that could not draw me in was Curling, which seemed to make about as much sense to me as smashing my head against a wall. At this point I hadn't experienced many human emotions, but that was about to change.

One day I read about Joannie Rochette and the loss of her mother, which is a very sad story. Watching her performance on CNBC's website I was deeply touched, and watched the video five times for reasons I still can't explain. I felt terrible for Joannie Rochette, as if there had to be something I could do to help. I'm sure a lot of people felt the same way, seeing her break down over her lost mother in front of the world. Talk about epic human emotions. In reality, there was nothing I could do but post a supportive Facebook message and hope that it helped somehow. After all, what am I but another fan out of millions?

As if the Joannie Rochette sad story didn't evoke enough human emotions for one day, I then saw the women's hockey finals game between Canada and the United States. Seeing the U.S. Women so upset after the loss made me realize just how hard these atheletes work for one big moment of glory. The Olympics is the ultimate in tough love and reality. The raw emotion we see through our TVs and computers are just reminders that where there is a winner, there is also a loser; Where there is triumph, there is a sad story.

Watching the closing ceremonies, I became aware of another powerful feeling that I yearned for; the feeling that you get when you're part of something special. I can't even imagine what it's like to be part of a global event like the Olympics. The closest I get to a sense of unity is waving somebody through a 4-way stop sign or playing a video game with others online. For most of us, these everyday things have to be enough, because we aren't part of the Olympics and we aren't board members in a giant company.

It's hard to come to terms with all of these human emotions. After all, it's not everyday you witness such an epic event as the Olympic Games. Most of the time you can live in your little bubble and pretend nothing is going on outside of it.

The Olympics are indeed an inspiration to us all. We can learn from each sad story and triumph. Joannie Rochette and the U.S. Women's Hockey Team are only two examples. The big question however is, can we find our own way to make a difference in the world, can we find purpose, and can we find peace?

Noisy Neighbors and Apartment Living: Ah, The Fun!

I remember when apartment living seemed like a dream come true. My own balcony and laundry area! What could possibly go wrong?

Unfortunately for me, this is the "real world", where good things don't last long. I remember the snowy day when I saw the boys next door move in, with what seemed like an endless supply of computers and electronic equipment. The all too familiar "BA-BOOM" of bass permeated the walls and my very brain. Noisy neighbors indeed!

Were the boys next door so ignorant as to not understand that apartment living comes bundled with walls so thin that the Kool-Aid guy would be smashing through them in his sleep? Or perhaps my noisy neighbors had already destroyed their eardrums at one too many Jonas Brothers concerts?

I thought about confronting the noisy neighbors, but then I remembered how well that plan had worked in 2007, when my car magically fell apart a few days later. Calling management didn't seem to help either, as they simply called the noisy neighbors and informed them of my treachery, leading to a confrontation with the police. Apartment living..

I started scheming up a way to get one of those devices that destroys electronics; you know like the one they used in Ocean's 11. However, there didn't seem to be an abundance of EMP equipment in "the middle of nowhere" Pennsylvania, so that option was off the table. Maybe the Amish could help me?

In a last effort caffeine-powered brainstorming session, I finally came up with the solution to dealing with the noisy neighbors from hell; earplugs! No, not one pair of earplugs, but the biggest value pack I could find online. Finally, I'd found a way to cope with apartment living!

Because when it comes to the boys next door, there's no better way to deal with the situation than using "middle child" finesse: Ignore the problem and it will eventually go away! Well either that or you will die from the stress. Either way, you won't hear us complain!